I've been feeling very introspective lately. A lot has been going on in our lives, and this is going to be one of those "serious" posts that no one reads. It's just easier for me to find some peace of mind if I can get my thoughts out of my head and written down *typed* somewhere. It's not pretty, and it's not fun, so feel free to click the little 'x' in the corner right now.
Aside from all the happy things that happened this summer, I want to share something not so happy.
July 17th, after trying for a few months, that gross little stick had two lines. I was pregnant. I was growing a human. We were overjoyed.
We told our immediate family at about 8 weeks, and they shared our joy.
We started to tell some friends at about 9 weeks, and they also shared our joy.
Even though I wasn't showing, I started to love my baby, as much as a person can love someone they've never met.
We made plans. We shared hopes. We dreamed dreams.
Week ten, September 9th. I started to bleed. And bleed some more. I started to cramp. And cramp some more. More pain than I've ever felt.
2am, September 10th, we went the emergency room. Blessed morphine saved my sanity.
Had an ultrasound.
I already knew.
Doctor came to confirm what I already knew, he was sympathetic. I didn't cry.
5am, September 10th, lots of pain pills and sleep. I cried. He held me. I slept some more.
More pain pills.
Throw up from pain pills.
Call work, tell them what's up.
Rearrange the furniture downstairs so we can sleep/cuddle/cry.
Everyday since then, deal.
Dealing means crying, crying some more, talking, talking some more, and trudging through the mud of telling those we had told that the baby was gone. Crying to my parents, my sister, and mostly my husband.
Dealing with it means seeing baby announcements, sonograms, and pictures every day.
Dealing with it means trying to lose baby weight with nothing to show for it. I'm working at it, but it's not going away right now.
I would be 6 months along right now.
I'm not looking for pity. I'm dealing. I also promise that when the holidays are over, I'll post something so normal and happy, you'll wonder what in the world is going on.Today I'm dealing.
Becky I didn't tell many people but I mis carried with my first, and I know your pain, it feels like everyone is having babies around you and you're happy for them but not really. I'm so sorry and hope you have found peace in all of this!! trust me it gets better and it's doesn't mean everyone pregnancy will be the same!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess! I'm sorry too.
ReplyDeletei'm so glad you shared your feelings beck! that's a hard thing to do but shows your strength. i've never been through what you have had to experience, but at about 13 weeks with hayden i started hemorrhaging. everything turned out fine, but it easily could have gone the other way. it forced me to think about the reality of the pregnancy possibly ending. take your time and let your body AND mind heal.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. And the reality is that it's really common. I did nothing wrong, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I think that was the hardest part, that it happened, 'just because.' There was a bit of "why me?" happening for a little while, but I'm surrounded by strong, smart, and loving women who've experienced the same thing, so I've had plenty to help me grieve.
ReplyDeleteHow sad! I know so many friends who are currently going through this. It's hard to deal with, but that day when you actually have something to show for you, you'll feel even greater. And everything happens for a reason. I'm so sorry! Even though I don't know what you're feeling, I still feel terrible.
ReplyDeleteBecky I am so so sorry this happened to you. I am totally crying for you and it makes me so sad. Even though this exact kind of experience hasn't happened to me, I do know how it feels to want a baby, and see everyone around me (friends/cousins-you know) having them. And trying to be excited, but just wishing it was ME. You are seriously going to be one fun momma when Heavenly Father gives you another little precious baby! I just know it!
ReplyDeleteEven though time passes, the pain doesn't - our hearts and prayers are still with you!
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