I've been feeling very introspective lately. A lot has been going on in our lives, and this is going to be one of those "serious" posts that no one reads. It's just easier for me to find some peace of mind if I can get my thoughts out of my head and written down *typed* somewhere. It's not pretty, and it's not fun, so feel free to click the little 'x' in the corner right now.
Aside from all the happy things that happened this summer, I want to share something not so happy.
July 17th, after trying for a few months, that gross little stick had two lines. I was pregnant. I was growing a human. We were overjoyed.
We told our immediate family at about 8 weeks, and they shared our joy.
We started to tell some friends at about 9 weeks, and they also shared our joy.
Even though I wasn't showing, I started to love my baby, as much as a person can love someone they've never met.
We made plans. We shared hopes. We dreamed dreams.
Week ten, September 9th. I started to bleed. And bleed some more. I started to cramp. And cramp some more. More pain than I've ever felt.
2am, September 10th, we went the emergency room. Blessed morphine saved my sanity.
Had an ultrasound.
I already knew.
Doctor came to confirm what I already knew, he was sympathetic. I didn't cry.
5am, September 10th, lots of pain pills and sleep. I cried. He held me. I slept some more.
More pain pills.
Throw up from pain pills.
Call work, tell them what's up.
Rearrange the furniture downstairs so we can sleep/cuddle/cry.
Everyday since then, deal.
Dealing means crying, crying some more, talking, talking some more, and trudging through the mud of telling those we had told that the baby was gone. Crying to my parents, my sister, and mostly my husband.
Dealing with it means seeing baby announcements, sonograms, and pictures every day.
Dealing with it means trying to lose baby weight with nothing to show for it. I'm working at it, but it's not going away right now.
I would be 6 months along right now.
I'm not looking for pity. I'm dealing. I also promise that when the holidays are over, I'll post something so normal and happy, you'll wonder what in the world is going on.Today I'm dealing.
