If only I could breathe underwater...

I told Preston that I would let him write the next post, but he's going to wait until Sunday, and while I'm not going to report on anything he will expound upon, I feel like I have things worth writing. Or maybe just things that would feel better on here than inside.

Let's not make this a pity party. I'll start with some good news. Or great news. I FINALLY got a job! I say "finally" because I feel like I've been waiting forever, when really, it's only been about 2 months since Preston and I moved down here to Springville. After sending out about a million resumes, going to 5 interviews, and receiving 2 job offers... I found the one that fits. And I'm grateful. I get to answer phones, and wear professional type clothes 5 days a week. The pay isn't great, but I'm out of the house, an income is an income, and my life has started moving again. Or so I thought.

Maybe I should back up. Preston is in school. A good school. A school that I wanted to go to and was, I'm now comfortable saying, totally rejected from. Preston is learning new things, meeting new people, and making friends left and right. On top of that, he gets to teach at the greatest place in the world; the MTC. I realize for some that the MTC doesn't hold pleasant memories. That's a shame. The MTC was life-changing for me, and I will never forget the things I learned, felt, heard, and experienced while I was there. So yes, the memories for me of the MTC are good. The best. And my husband works there. I vicariously take part in his joys and sorrows for his missionaries as they learn the language, the Gospel, and the love that it takes to be a servant of the Lord. And I miss it. I dearly miss missionary work, my people, and the Philippines. Anyway, the point is, Preston is literally living the dream. And for the two months that I didn't have a job, I felt completely useless, at times hopeless, and often worthless.

For someone who has no degree, no skills to speak of, and no ridiculous talent for convincing people to buy things they don't need, finding a job that doesn't involve the words,"Can I take your order?" seems to be exceedingly difficult. Which means my self worth was being totally attacked. Mostly by myself.

Which means that instead of seeing these around town, I started feeling it on the inside:

It's wrong of me to put a price or achievements on my self worth. Shouldn't it just be there? And yet somehow, we all, without even realizing it, feel small, inadequate, and completely worthless. Especially in comparison to others. Which is one of my biggest faults. I like to compare my weaknesses to others' strengths. Which, logically, is completely unfair, but who doesn't do it? And it seems that ever since I've been home from my mission, it's been this constant battle to feel good about myself, because for the previous 18 months, I was practically flying. More happy than I've ever been in my life. I was in the service of the Lord, doing something I loved, and I was not ashamed.

How can you not have a blast with people like these????

So, what happened?

I came home and forgot what loving myself felt like. It wasn't until Preston came home that I started to remember. The people you love can do that for you. They can make you feel important and amazing. But it's not the constant high I felt on my mission. Let me get to the point.

Lately, I've been feeling small again. Where is my life even going?? I don't have a degree, don't have kids, don't even have a calling, so how can I feel worthwhile? I've compared myself to my friends who have graduated with masters degrees already and have a CAREER. I have friends with kids, friends with their own businesses, friends that are in shape, friends that seem to have so much more going on for them than I do.

Here's what I have to say about that: So what?

I've lived an amazing life. I've never done anything stupid that I have to regret for a million years. I've been to college, I've played sports, I've made friends, and I've loved the Church. I've sung my heart out, had it trampled on, and gotten back up. I've had goals and dreams, and I've seen my fair share totally fall apart. But I've seen more miracles than many people ever hope to see in their lifetime. I served the Lord with everything that I am for 18 incredible months, and was tried, challenged, and stretched until I believed I could handle no more. And then I was tried again. I found the man that everyone dreams about, and to my luck and astonishment, he loves me with a beautifully pure love. I get to be with him forever, and you know what? If that was all there was, I could be happy.

What I'm trying to say is, even the most mediocre life is full of the most extraordinary things. Find those things and pull them out on rainy days. Days when you say to yourself, "I really could use a little help," but know one knows? Yeah. Those are the days when you remind yourself how great you really are.

In conclusion, it's all about love. You can be loved by the most amazing people in the world, and that's good. It goes a long way. But until you learn to love yourself, you'll be stuck in the rut you've been trying to get out of your entire life long.

This whole tangent was brought on by one of my good friends, pouring her heart out to tell the world that she's human. I'm grateful for her.